Do u re-read ur diary entries?
i dont... usually.. when i do it reads reallie weird

anywayz...

hmm....

read thru mags n stuff
n came to an impression tt for me,
2003 past reallie quick...
was reading FIRST- movie mag la
n saw tt the first few issues were
familiar to my eye,which were in late 2002
but from then on til abt
the LAST SAMURAI - sometime end 2003
were unfamiliar... kind of strange yes?

to put it in time perspective for movie fans
the first FIRST wuz on Harry potter.. the 2nd one yes?
n the 2nd FIRST wuz on the 2nd LOTR... i think
thereabts la.. point being 2 me i remember
watching tt hp show, "not too long ago"
in my minds eye...

n suddenli we R here...
(altho strangely, LOTR 2 seems faraawyay)

times change...
man being on internship nw
is making me geeful tt i can study
one more year

hmm...

shall stop 4 nw n return when i m more emotional
(raised eyebrow@ self)

sighz...

i have been defeated in my daily battles
i have hidden my face from the Lord
Turn back son....

ah posting agn....

at 5am in morng woke up to go toilet
heh too much rich foods man... huo gai...

feeling somewat lost now...
yet not reallie, or not permernantly...
abit like going thru the jungle ...
but u noe tt u will come out into the light eventually...

hmm tts a flawd analogy
...
more like confident underneath being lost
tt the big picture is Okay
ya...

kinda aimless... but not really ..

***

i wonder if the change was a drastic change...
monday ... was it just last monday? yes...

i think i worry abt it...
insecure...

***

insecure... i need money
i NeeD money
I NEED to earn money...
I HAvE To BucK uP
wake uP

k i think ultimately i believe tt tts nt necessary
no need to rush, it will come

but the functional me is pessured
to "be a man"
n not a worm/slug.

i m made to feel ashamed tt i get a healthy
amount of allowance fr parents.
i am thankful for tt
an only in recent years i learn my more accurate standing among
peers...

however i lament and wail at times,
justifying my flagrant use of tt trust(as in money)

"oh they never taught me"

"the materials were substitute for other parenting..."

oh but im still pressured...
but stil i m here?
n other ppl r doin stuff...

God how do you see me as?
we cannot please u with our physical works
but u see our hearts?
tt is a tough concept to grasp

tt essentially no diff btw the poor, unambitious
and the top executive,
but surely the attitiude in our hearts has a diff
bearing upon our results in life..?

yesss
but wat gains a man if he gains the world but
forfeits the soul....
Hmmm thxx God...

Nigthz...

KOd last nite man
mus have been real tired
didnt even manage to get online
at the prompting of fren
i went for run js nw
haaa v long nv run
but seems like not smokg
does make a diff...

as exam draws near
n a few unfinshed projs
i worry
i feel inadequate, emotionaly
n spritiualy to tackle them appropriately.
i want to wallow in nothingness
but i must not . how to people
fight on n fight ...
i fight only myself.
my own weaknesses n failures.
is tt true?
are demons whispering in my ear ?
irrelevvant perhaps i duno i mus b confused
shush now...

luv ual (ya right.)

im home on saturday at 841pm

how unbelievable huh?

Erm...
Pls pray for me
brothers n sisters-in-Christ
i choose not to explain exactly wat/why
except- for God to keep me, and yes he is faithful
for discipline
tt i do not falter

thanks...

I did somethin bad...
i betrayd a frens trust.
Words once out cant be taken back
i am remorseful ... i think tho if i
harp on it wil b worse
but i have betrayd confidence
and my word is compromised
i have always believed in the integrity
of wat i say
alas even this being somethin bad
i learn from this that man is corrupt evil and self-serving
or no maybe simply, man/men/women all together
Man tongue is evil
uncontrollable indeed
simply man cannot promise n b wholly trustworthy
the strength of my word is weak,
has always been just i did not see
and prone to falsehood which i did not know

what shall i learn from this Teach me ....

sigh...

***

this has been a few compactd days
took coupld of days to finsh somethin tt reallie
shouldnt have taken tt long
dang.
super inefficient duno y also
to frens who can do in a flash
waht took me three days to do,
now i express to u No harm,
no envy, no jealousy, if i do i take it back.
Incredulity and wonder perhaps tho
a blurness standing there and shrugging shoulders
and cest la vie...

more stuff to do mus buck up v blur recently

***


thot id add one more bit

abt Trusting and believing...
I believe once upon a time, i was the most
trusting of people.
And i think all of us, all people were at a point in
our lives,
when we were 4, 5 , 9 years old maybe
but we learnt from life.
over the years we learn, some longer
some quicker- one bad experience.
People betray our trust,
people hurt us
frens lie,
etc. Life was never a fairy tale
and it was wrong for our parents to teach us
to tell the truth but lie to us anyway.
I learnt some of this during my NS days
i gave and gave foolishly trusting
in words that probably meant very little to
the people who said so.
Tho for me the sacrifice was huge,
the emotional impact was less as these were not
frens

For me now, i am defn not the child i was 6, 7 years ago
i have learnt to doubt, to query, to hold back.
Yet, i do not want to!
I want to trust wholly
I also learn now that our judgements are flawwed
and misunderstandings are probably the rule rather
than the exception.
I accept the fact that the world in general is one populated
in lies
yes, that is true!
and yes, man, and yes every man n woman including our
closest frens are fallible- human, worldly
we gotta accept that fact.
Yet i want to believe.
i believe often frens dont mean to do certain things
other times people do.

I believe in God.
I trust he means well good things prosper me
and I want to believe in people
my judgment will get in the way, yes,
"mus see mus see.... measure the person
is it true?..."
but i want tt to change in my heart...
the heart must change
tho the mind still weighs...

U get wat i mean people?
Dont be bitter... cos it hurts u the most
open up,
i want to trust, even if it means getting hurt
tho sometimes even tt is difficult.

"My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times,
O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us."
psalms 62:5-8


While i cannot say i wholly take this word, but i flipped upon it and feel it is the word for the hour,
and is something i want to learn from and take in and believe.
Let us do so together, all those who seek comfort.

writing here cos no one online
its gng to b lonely from nw...

no one ard...
u must be strong also even when no one is ard ok
let us turn to God

i must start doing it
it must be done....

i too duno if i can take it...
but everything is possible in God yes

sori

***


Thot id add abit more...

Do you, gentle reader, think that I have changed recently?...

Some of my friends do think so - and i am glad for it...
Yet, when i read that i have changed, overall i tend to disagree...
or rather, not feel that there has been a significant visible change.

External things, trappings if you will like daidee, smoking, cheong etc.
are merely things that are put on.
I still feel like smoking @ times, which is worrying but I decide not to.

if there is one thing that i feel has changed, it is probably a little more discipline/self-control

of course, the biggie would be baptism- i need to remind myself more
of course of a confirmed posiition- dead dead dead...
yes! dead! To Christ!
it must be so.

Somehow, i feel that i havent changed, but more like returned
to who i was, or was becoming at a point in time- beginning of NUS maybe
of course older, more practical, watch my money more,
ex-smoker... and perhaps a little bit more social
......

i realie should be doin my GEM assignment not wiritng here
dang

now is a real test i think.
to be open to people n able to feel lonely
but now to just Be with God...
i dont think i can make it ....

to flourish n prosper while...
to b fruitful
to b productive
whats the word
cant remember...

K anyyywayyyy point being ....
dont think ive changed trememdously lehh....
i wonder who knows me? yes Only God wholly
no-one not even me knows i think.
people look at external things of course...

ahh i feel weak now too...
feel like discarding all work responisibilty
decadent no discipline how.
i duno.

who shall i share my troubles with?
only the Lord yes it might seem so...

Once i believed tt i did not need any1 so
but now my heart is tender-er once more
and open to emotions of loneliness
or perhaps it always was,
but served with denial it did not affect as much

i waste my time at present not doin work
shall i not go to class i feel

i feel again.
it has been a while since i have felt
surely the past year was one of denial
of denying the self(not in the good way)
tis strange

Yet now i feel once more that familiar
desperation no not desperation
that despair? no not that but defeat is close
of debilitation of wanting to just rot and die
of wanting to skip all my classes
and just heck care
God Lord help me may I not do so
may I arise like the eagle on tireless wings
let me do so for the glory of Your nAme
nO i AM NoT a fanatic but one who has
digested a faith a chewy one...

yet i declare that the attiude/emotion is there
can be so strong so incapacitating
it is like being a teenager again
what matters doesnt matter
i feel liek crying
defeated huddle into a corner where
no one can disturb me
spiders and worms for company
"eating worms"

sial i am not a fish eating tubifex blood worms
no

help
nono i am ok i am ok
reallie i am i wouldl ike some fried chicken tho right now
haha this is somewhat fun
but worms is more fun
what shall i do i do not feel like going for project meeting
BUT i SHALL
i guess that is the onli thing that has changed
the feelings/emotions who i am hasn't changed but what has
is having discipline and ultimately deciding to DO what u thingk
U SHOULD WNAT TO DO
NIKE JUST DO IT
COKE _ ALWAYS THE REAL THING

snigger crazy fool
gotta love the world been raining recently inconvenient
but kinda nice i like the poignancy that rain brings
i am weak not strong nonononononono but God is strong
in Jesus everything is possible ....

*breathe.....
seriously tho...
i need help God.
I dun think i can tok to anyone about my concerns specifically
i already unload on grace alot
no i do not feel i can tok to the guys abt the specifics
in an emotional manner- it wil b detached manner
do i have any real frens?
i consider the guys my true real frens should meet up but
no i will not go to them for emotional sustenance.
God alone
I am not alone then? Yet it is difficult

How do you share with the one most intimate to u
when the problem includes them?
when u have no other frens i think to tell

i am not that bothered reallie it is ok
i have wasted much time these 2 weeks yet it is not a waste
stil i ought to get started on biahing for projs n then study

i shall stop this is not godly.

K i really havent posted for a long while...

I was suddenly wrought by a sadness/
fear/anger kind of emotion. i forgot exactly what.
How come like tt i wonder..

ahh i forgot what it was suddenli jus feel pissed

I do not want to languish the way this fren i
noe does the "ohwoeisme" pattern
even not verbalised

who can i trust?

I have God, and my hope
in Jesus Christ
Christos...
tt is true

among frens...? No no i do not descend into depression
no but heard somethin fr fren tt got me feeling.

how much do we lie to ourselves?
how much do we lie to others.
Perhaps i use an over-strong term
maybe not lie
but delude...?
i think i noe a fren who lies to himself often...
so much so he believes... perhaps tt jus my pride
egoist ...
i used to trust him implicitly,
but much less after certain events
n now i wonder ...
problem is often when we speak,
i somehow feel guilty, "oh i have judged wrongly"
when a 2nd conversation would suggest tt i did not,
and other sources support this
i consider tt this fren has from the start,
been half-truthful since...
i detest half-truths
yet i think i become one such.

I lost passion, idealism,
n come to reality.

i blabber on full of crap.
shall desist.